Life as a pizza guy wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Nor was the life of a plumber, a cable guy, or UPS worker. Tom had tried all of these professions with varying success in regards to finance and competence, but absolutely no success in regards to pornyness.
The odds of an attractive woman answering the door were disappointingly low. And the odds of said attractive woman being scantily clad for some flimsy reason were astronomically low. It had happened to him exactly three times in his life; once because the woman had been sleeping when he arrived, once because she’d been taking a shower and a third time because her air conditioning was broken. In all three incidences the woman had been in particularly irritable moods for the very same reasons. Not one of them had thrown so much as a smile his way, much less a flash of boob.
And they always, always, always, had enough cash for a tip on them. Even just the fully clothed, marginally attractive women he called on tipped him only monetarily and, on the off chance she had only an extra handful of change, she’d give it to him, shrug apologetically and gently slam the door on his all too eager face.
Once a woman who’d paid over the phone with her credit card because she had no cash gave him a beer, but that was about as interesting as it ever got.
Tom didn’t understand it. He wasn’t a bad looking guy. He wasn’t a great looking guy and he wasn’t what you might call smooth but he was still better looking than most of the guys in those porno movies. He may not have been as terrifyingly endowed as the men on screen but he was young, he had all his hair. He was not, like, in shape exactly but he wasn’t fat really. Hot chicks went for worse looking guys all the time. Yet here he was in the porn world’s most wanted professions and striking out completely.
This time was going to be different, though. This time, he was a pool boy.
Pools are the ultimate in excuses for porn to happen. Being scantily clad is pretty much required for pool usage and, unlike delivering pizza, one can be assured that one is servicing people who get some exercise now and then.
It was his first day on the job and he had hit the jack pot.
The door was opened by a large breasted blond in a bikini. Her lipglossed lips spread into a wide smile when she saw him.
“Thank god you’re here.” Her valley girl voice popped. “The pool is totally dirty.”
Thanking every god he had ever heard of Tom followed her nubile body through the ranch style bungalow out to the concrete back patio. She hadn’t been kidding, the pool was filthy. In fact the whole back yard looked like the destroyed ending of a kegger in a teen sex comedy. Trash littered the lawn, bottles and cans of all kinds littered the pool and most of the plastic beach loungers were toppled or stacked in sculptures only a drunk could see the logic in. Two of the loungers had been righted to serve as pedestals for the two most beautiful bodies he had ever seen. Miss Bikini was not alone, you see, she had a friend. A friend that Tom would forever remember as “White Onepiece.”
White Onepiece raised her sunglasses as he and Bikini approached.
“Ohmygod it’s so good that you’re here,” her breasts heaved. “We’ve been SO bad.”
“I can see that.” Tom replied, tearing his eyes away to survey the pool. “What happened here exactly?”
“We just had our 18th birthday,” said Miss Bikini. “It totally rocked.”
“Both of you?” Asked Tom, incredulous.
“Yeah, our birthdays are in the same week. That’s probably why we’re such good friends. We’re practically twins.” Tom could see a certain resemblance in their tan skin and blond hair. Not to mention their brand spanking new barely legal age. Miss Bikini’s hair was a lighter blond, bleached probably, while White Onepiece was more of a highlighted honey blond. This was good because he’d need some way to tell them apart once their clothing was off.
“Of course, now the house is totally trashed,” Continued Bikini “And my parents are totally gonna kill me if we don’t get it cleaned by the time they get back tomorrow.”
“Oh, uh, would you like me to help you?” He offered, standing to his white knight stance.
“Wul, duh. You’re the pool boy.”
“Right,” He deflated a touch. “But, uh, with the rest of the house.”
“No, it’s cool. The maid and the gardener will be here tomorrow morning.” Bikini dismissed him by laying face down on her lounger and untying the strings of her top.
“Right. Awesome. Cool. I’ll, just, uh, work on the pool then.”
Tom did his best to look sexy while he skimmed the pool but he wasn’t sure what it was exactly that men did to look sexy. For women it was easy; just pick an asset and display it, usually by bending over in some direction, very slowly and just subtle enough that everyone involved could safely pretend that she didn’t know what she was doing was sexy.
But what did men do? He wondered to himself. Did they bend, too? He tried, while skimming, to bend in such a way that his ass might be enticing. But should he be displaying his ass? What makes a guy ass hot to a girl? Was there something else he should be sexy with? His biceps weren’t exactly rippling and his shorts weren’t tight enough to show off his package. It was hard to do his job while facing them and attempting to brood. Maybe he should have read some romance novels or something so he’d know what women thought was hot. He stuck with the bending as it was most conducive to doing his actual job. Of course, it meant that he nearly fell into the pool when he overheard the girl’s conversation.
“I can’t believe I’m still so horny!” Complained one of them.
“I know!” Exclaimed the other. “I mean last night was practically, like, an orgy and I’m still not satisfied.”
“It’s totally Tyler’s fault. I mean, aren’t guys supposed to, like, rise to the occasion when they’re in a threesome?”
Oh God! Tom almost dropped his pool skimmer.
“Seriously. Only Tyler could have sex with two girls at once and not satisfy either of them.”
“I know!” She sighed “We need a real man.”
As Tom eagerly spun around to volunteer, he lost his footing and actually did fall into the pool.
“Oh my god” Marveled White Onepiece between giggles “Are you ok?” She left her lounger to crouch by him as Miss Bikini clutched her top to her breasts, racked by paroxysms of laughter.
“Yeah. I’m, uh, I think I slipped on something.”
“Do you need help?” Onepiece bent over to him, breasts dipping into the pool and causing Tom to nearly drown.
“No, I’m cool.” Protested Tom, kicking back from the side of the pool. “I’m cool.”
He swam to the ladder, pushing beer cans out of his way and hoping the cold would shrink his chub enough that it wouldn’t be quite so obvious through his drenched shorts.
“Come inside.” Miss Binkini lead him to the bathroom, shoulders still jiggling with laughter, strings still swinging free. “I’ll put your clothes in the dryer.” She explained, leaving him to undress and handing him a towel. As he took the towel he tried to hide the hope in his eyes as her top hung loose from the single arm pinning it to her nipples. If only she would let that arm go, the porno could begin. But she didn’t. And she barely noticed when he took his shirt off. She merely closed the door most of the way, holding her hand out through the small opening to receive his clothes.
The bathroom window was open while he showered and it faced directly onto the patio so he could still hear their conversation in bits and pieces.
“God, I’m so horny!” Was the repeated refrain and then he heard the phrase he always dreamed of but never thought he’d hear. It was too ludicrous, too absurd, there was no way a teenage girl would actually say to her friend,
“I found my mom’s vibrator.”
“Ew, no way!”
“Totally. Do you want to see it?”
No! Not really! It wasn’t possible! It certainly could NOT be this easy. It really couldn’t. But he heard them, giggling, enter the house. About 10 minutes later they drifted past the bathroom and he heard Onepiece say
“Oh my god, we should NOT be doing this.”
“You’re gonna LOVE it.” Assured Bikini.
Tom was frozen behind the bathroom door, hand on the knob, too flabbergasted to move. What should he do? Dear GOD what could he do? He had chased this moment, hoped for it, prayed for it, begged for it, done everything but paid for it, to happen and now that this ridiculous opportunity had fallen into this increasingly angular lap, he had no idea how to proceed.
This was insane. He was being ridiculous. His imagination had run away with him. Nothing was going on. He would put this towel round his waist, walk back out to the patio, and there they would be doing nothing more pornographic than their mere existence always was.
He walked to the patio and found no one there. He walked around the yard, searching for some sign of them. The yard progressed around to the side of the house and as he walked past another open window he heard White Onepiece exclaim
“Oh my GOD!”
“Isn’t it amazing?” Asked Bikini.
“I can’t believe you didn’t bring this out last night.”
“I guess I wanted it to be just for us.”
“You bad girl.” Chastised Onepiece.
It was true! It was all true. Tom’s towel could barely contain him as his heart leapt for joy. But the window was too high, he couldn’t see anything.
“Mmmm” moaned Onepiece. “Oh my god!”
But they had left the curtain open, they wanted him to see, why else would they be doing this while he was here, while he was naked, why else would they be so loud about it, so shameless?
He went back into the house, still debating what to do. But when he walked inside and saw that they had left the door just slightly open his mind was made up. If they didn’t want him to come in why didn’t they close the door? They couldn’t leave it open all the way, of course, they couldn’t be slutty about it. They had to be coy but there was no way they would leave the door even the tiniest inch open if they didn’t want him to join in or at least watch.
He stood in front of the door for an extra moment, steeling his nerve and savoring the moment.
“Oh JESUS!” One of them exclaimed. “This is so fucking good!”
At that he tossed his towel to the side and opened the door, his erection brazenly leading the way into the room.
White Onepiece dropped her fork in shock. Her lips were smeared with the shining streak of rich chocolate icing.
The girls were frozen for a moment in horror. Miss Bikini was bent halfway over her plate of cake, mouth agape, arrested in the act of taking a bite.
Time stopped for a moment as all of Tom’s dreams crashed in a heap around his naked body. There was a second in which he thought he might lose all consciousness or simply die on the spot. But the second passed and he was still alive and still naked in a stranger’s house for no explainable reason.
He grabbed the towel and bolted for the door. He did not care if the girls laughed or cried or called the police, he would not wait around to find out.
In a blind panic he grabbed his keys from the bathroom counter, stuck his wallet in his mouth and dove for his car.
As he drove away he dimly realized that they could still call the pool cleaning agency and have him fired. Though he prayed that they would never know his name, he didn’t care about getting fired. Fired or not he would never go back to that job. This porno bullshit was a stupid idea anyway. He was done with it. It was ridiculous. Tomorrow he would grow up, he would straighten out, he would become a real man. He would figure out how to get laid the way other guys, real guys, figured out how to get laid. Maybe he would take a class. Maybe he would go to art school. Maybe he’d become an actor. Those guys got laid all the time.
The next day he enrolled in art school. Because everyone knows that art students, and presumably artists as well, get to see tons of naked vagina.